When Mom Goes Into Labor: Grandma's Toddler Bedtime Plan

If you’re the grandparent on call for a new baby, settle the toddler plan in the last month of the pregnancy, not on the night. Agree who gets the first call and who’s the backup, how you get in, and the toddler’s bedtime routine in its exact order. When the call comes, go to the child if she’s asleep rather than moving her. Run bedtime exactly as her parents do. Tell her the truth in one short sentence: Mommy has gone to have the baby and will come back. Then expect a wobbly week afterward, and don’t read anything into it.

I’ve had this call more than once, at very different hours, and the toddler’s evening was always the part I could actually control.

The on-call plan, made in the last month

The parents are planning a birth. Your job is to plan the evening around it, weeks earlier, over a cup of tea.

Settle these with the parents:

• Who is first call, and who is backup. If you live two hours away, or you’re the one who sleeps through the phone, there has to be a second person nearby: a neighbor, a friend, the other grandparents. The first hour is the one that matters, and you may not be the one who can cover it.
• How fast you need to be there. This changes with the baby’s birth order. Betteroo’s guide to how early labor differs from active labor notes that early labor for a first baby often runs for hours, while second and later labors are usually much faster. For you, that means a second baby gives less warning than the first did, so the toddler’s plan has to work at short notice.
• How you get in. A key or door code, tested before you need it at 2 a.m.
• The car seat. If the plan involves driving the toddler anywhere, you need her seat in your car and you need to know how to fit it. Otherwise, the plan is that you stay at her house.
• The bedtime routine, written down in order. Bath or no bath, which pajamas, which cup, which two books, which song, door open or shut, the night-light, the comfort toy and its name. I covered how to take down a routine properly in bedtime when a parent is away, and it’s the same list here. The difference is that tonight there may be no time to ask.

Her house or yours

This one decides itself once you know what time it is.

If she’s already asleep, you go to her. A toddler woken at midnight, strapped into a car and put down in a different bed will be awake until three. One who wakes at six to find Grandma in the kitchen has a surprise, but she’s in her own bed.

If it’s daytime or early evening, either works, and the parents should decide in advance which they prefer. If she comes to you, everything I’d do for a planned visit is in my sleepover at Grandma’s post, just done in a hurry.

The 2 a.m. handover

The parents will be leaving as you arrive, or shortly after. You need three facts in the doorway, and no more: when she last ate, whether she’s had any medicine, and anything that’s different about tonight. Everything else is on the list you wrote last month. Don’t keep a woman in labor in the hallway going through the bedtime song.

Then let them go and sit down. If she’s asleep, the best thing you can do for her is nothing at all.

What to tell her

The American Academy of Pediatrics’ guide to preparing an older child for a new baby warns that children “may be confused when you leave for the hospital,” and suggests explaining that their mother will be back with the new baby in a few days. It also says that toddlers between one and two may not understand much about what a new sibling means.

So keep it short and true, and say it in daylight if you can:

“Mommy and Daddy have gone to the hospital to have the baby. I’m looking after you. They’ll come back.”

Say it again if she asks, but don’t promise when: “tomorrow” is a promise you can’t keep if labor runs long. A two-year-old wants to know who’s making breakfast, not what a contraction is.

Bedtime itself

If the call comes in the afternoon and bedtime falls to you, the rule is same routine, same order, different person. Do it exactly as written, even the parts that seem silly. Familiar order is what tells a small child it’s an ordinary night, even when it isn’t.

• Phone updates go before the routine or after it, never in the middle. A video call from the hospital halfway through bath time starts the evening over. If the news arrives during bedtime, it keeps until morning.
• Don’t announce the birth at bedtime. If the baby comes at 8 p.m., the toddler hears about it at breakfast, rested, with her own time to take it in.

New baby, same bedtime Betteroo builds an age-based sleep plan the whole family can follow, so the toddler's bedtime holds while everyone's attention is on the newborn. Take the sleep quiz →

The wobbly week after

Expect the toddler to come apart a little once the baby is home, even if the labor night went beautifully. The AAP page is plain about it: “Expect your child to regress a little.” A potty-trained child may start having accidents or want a bottle again, and the page calls this “normal,” the child’s way of making sure she’s still loved. The advice is to give her the attention she’s asking for rather than telling her to act her age.

That page also recommends finishing big changes, like moving from a crib to a bed, before the baby arrives, or putting them off until the baby is settled at home. This is not the week for the big-girl bed.

What grandparents are genuinely good for that week is the older child. The same AAP guide suggests one-on-one time for her with a parent, grandparent or other relative. So I take the toddler to the park or the library, and the parents get a quiet house. If you’re staying on for a while to help, I’ve written about how to do that without taking over in when Grandma stays to help.

Where I make it worse

• Treating it as a special night. Popcorn, a film and staying up late feel kind. They aren’t. The kind thing is an ordinary evening.
• Waking her to say goodbye. If the parents leave while she’s asleep, let them go. She’ll be fine with Grandma at breakfast.

Betteroo’s sleep plans are written for parents, but a grandparent doing the nights that week can follow the same one.

FAQ: toddler bedtime when mom goes into labor

Who watches the toddler when mom goes into labor?

Whoever the parents arranged in advance, usually a grandparent, plus a nearby backup in case the first person can’t get there quickly. Settle it in the last month of the pregnancy, including keys and the bedtime routine.

What should I tell a toddler when mom goes to the hospital?

One short, true sentence: Mommy has gone to have the baby and will come back. The AAP notes children may be confused when a parent leaves for the hospital, so keep it simple and don’t promise a day.

Is it normal for a toddler to regress after a new baby?

Yes. The American Academy of Pediatrics says to expect some regression, such as potty accidents or wanting a bottle, and to respond with attention rather than telling the child to act her age.

Should grandma tell the toddler the baby has arrived at bedtime?

Better to wait until morning. News at bedtime turns into a late, excited night. In the morning she’s rested, and the parents may want to tell her themselves.